Lesson 5: The Intentional Family: Parenting Practices that Strengthen Parent-Child Relationships
This is a 5-week course where each lesson builds on the previous lesson.
Please start with Lesson 1: Parenting 101
Objectives for Lesson 5:
- Learn about some research-based parenting practices that have been proven to strengthen family relationships.
- Analyze some of the rituals and routines that you have in your family.
- Brainstorm some ways you can make the rituals and routines you have more effective at helping you to strengthen your relationships.
- Set clear goals for where you want to take your family. Include your children in creating them, if possible.
- PLEASE FILL OUT the ASSESSMENT FORM at the end to evaluate what you have gained from the course.
Materials:
- Journal
- Articles
- Evaluation form
- Assessment form
Introduction
We have learned how important it is to have strong, healthy relationships with our children. We can achieve this through our parenting style and principles that guide us. We can also achieve it through parenting practices. Our goal is to offer you research-based parenting practices that have been proven to be effective. However, we want to make it clear that every family is different. You will need to evaluate your situation and see what will work for your family. We also want you to recognize the practices that you already have that are helping you to strengthen your relationships with your children.
Rituals and Routines
Read this Article--> Family Routines and Rituals
JOURNAL: What is the definition of a routine? What is the definition of a ritual? What are the benefits of having rituals and routines? Can routines become rituals? Explain.
Examples of ROUTINES:
- Family meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner)
- Family chores
- Bedtime
- School drop-off/pick-up
- Playtime
- Reading time
- Bath time
- Nap time/Quiet time
- Regularly talking on the phone
- Regularly visiting relatives
Examples of RITUALS:
- Anniversaries
- Birthdays
- Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Passover, etc
- Celebrations (graduation, baby shower, etc.)
- Family reunion
- Sunday family dinner/ Movie night
Rituals provide families with four important things (Doherty, 1999):
- Predictability: Children like a sense of regularity and order. This helps them to look forward to certain practices with anticipation and joy. It also creates fond memories.
- Connection: One important aspect of a ritual is that it is time spent together in frequent activities. For example, a simple bedtime routine might be the only time a parent can connect with their child one-on-one. ( Kris: Sometimes I don't see my older children because they are so busy. I ask them to come in and tell me when they are home no matter how late it is so that I can have that connection with them every day.)
- Identity: Family rituals help children feel that they belong and what is special about their family (For example, we are boaters, skiers, hikers, etc.). It also helps them know who else belongs to their family. Even people who are not technically related can become family if they are frequently invited to family rituals such as Thanksgiving.
- A way to enact values: Our family rituals can teach our children what we value and believe. Religious rituals, community service, and regularly visiting a grandparent all teach important beliefs and values.
Family rituals have meaning, are repeated, and are done together. Family Rituals can be separated into three types (Doherty, 1999):
- Connection Rituals: These are opportunities for everyday bonding such as family meals, chores, morning and nighttime routines, small trips or family outings, and school drop-off or pick-up.
- Love Rituals: These types of rituals focus on developing one-on-one intimacy and/or making someone feel special. Examples include birthdays, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.
- Community Rituals: These rituals have a more public dimension and help create connections with a wider social network so that the family has more support and can give support to others. They include weddings, funerals, religious activities, and community service.
How can we make some of our routines into rituals so that even mundane things like chores can provide connection and meaning? Let's look at a couple routines that might not seem very magical at first glance.
1. Family Chores: Read this article--> Family Work and Housework: The Chores that Bind Us
JOURNAL: What did you learn from the article? Write down the ideas that came to you as you read about how you might make changes in your family that can help make family chores more meaningful and help create connections with your children.
2. Family Meal Times: Read this article--> Benefits of Family Meal Times
JOURNAL: Write down what you learned about the benefits of family meal times.
JOURNAL: Answer the following questions (Doherty, 1999). There are no right or wrong answers. This will just get you thinking about your mealtime routine and what you might want to incorporate after reflecting on it. Write down thoughts you have about how to make this routine more meaningful based on your own circumstances.
- Who does the meal planning?
- Is the environment conducive to connection and conversation?
- When is the meal served?
- How are family members called to the table?
- Who is present?
- How are family members seated?
- What kinds of foods are served?
- Are distractions permitted?
- What topics of conversation are encouraged/discouraged?
- Who participates in the conversations?
- How do you handle table manners and food preference issues?
- Is the end of the meal ritual clearly defined?
Kris: I didn't know that meal times could be so important for our family when I first started having children. Out of necessity, I decided to find a way that would simplify my life because feeding ten people every day is not an easy task. I had children coming up to me asking what was for dinner all of the time and when I told them, I would get eye-rolls, groans, and comments about how they weren't going to eat. I decided to put a place on the fridge where my children could write what they wanted for dinner for the next week. I made a menu based on their suggestions and tried to pick at least one thing that each child liked so they knew there would be at least one meal that loved. I made a menu board where my children could see what we were eating for the week. They knew ahead of time so that they could plan accordingly and I didn't have to deal with the constant eye-rolls and groans. I also set dinnertime at the same time every day. Another thing I tried was to have the children help me cook the meal. There were fewer complaints because they had a hand in preparing it. Not only were there fewer complaints, but my children started thanking whoever prepared the meal. We have had to adapt this plan as the children got older, but looking back, the kitchen is where some of our greatest memories are. We were able to connect with each other and share what happened in our day. We have had some of our deepest discussions at dinnertime. We also played a game called "Would You Rather" to make sure everyone had a chance to say something and to get the discussion going. We also all joined in to clean the kitchen.
I know not everyone can have this same schedule or implement the same practices, but any effort you can make to work towards making meal times more meaningful will pay off. You could try making breakfast your meal of the day, or you could schedule one special meal a week. You could have a child be the special chef of the day or try a new recipe once a week. The questions above can help you think of things you can do to make it more special and meaningful.
EVALUATE your FAMILY RITUALS
JOURNAL: Write down all the routines and rituals that you participate in as a family. Sometimes we don't even consider something a ritual but our children really look forward to it and we might not even know it. Ask your children what they enjoy about your rituals and routines.
Kris: One Easter I came up with the idea of making Rice Krispy treat baskets and coloring coconut green to put in them. Then we got various candies like jelly beans and chocolate bunnies that the children were able to put inside their "Easter basket." We didn't do big Easter baskets so I came up with this thinking that it was a lame substitute. However, one year we decided not to do it and my children got very upset and said that it wasn't Easter until they could make their basket! Never underestimate the power of simple rituals. Print and fill out this form--> Evaluate your Rituals (Doherty, 1999)
JOURNAL: ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS
1. Is a ritual missing where you would like one to be?2. What is the current ritual lacking?
3. Is there too much responsibility placed on one family member?
Kris: One ritual my children loved was when I made Christmas candy. I would make a wide variety and put them on plates to give to the neighbors. My children insisted that I do it every year. However, it was A LOT of work for me! I started to not enjoy it. So I told my children that they were old enough to help me with the Christmas candy making and asked them to help me if it was that important to them. It is okay to hand off some of the traditions. We also started having our children be Santa's Helper as they got older. Each year a child gets to stay up late and fill the Christmas stockings and put out presents. My children have loved being involved. They count down the years until it is their turn (In a family with nine children, they had to wait a lot of years. Hahaha). 4. Are family members achieving a balance between individual time and family time?
5. Is an underlying family problem hurting the ritual?
6. Are your current rituals meeting your family's needs for connection, meaning, and community? What do you want to add, get rid of, or change to meet your family's needs?
7. What areas are you doing well in? Acknowledge how these areas have helped strengthen your relationships.
Principles for Managing Rituals
It can be challenging to implement new rituals, change a ritual, or stop a ritual. Here are some principles to guide you so that you can make your rituals successful in meeting your needs and helping you attain your goals (Doherty, 1999).
- Adult agreement- Make sure that your partner is on board. Take time to evaluate your family's needs, goals, and values.
- Buy-in from the children- Children might resist changes. If the ritual works well, they will eventually support it. If they continue to resist, reevaluate how you are doing it.
- Maximum participation- The more family members help plan and carry out a ritual, the more meaningful it will be.
EmmaLee: A Christmas tradition is our Christmas casserole.
It’s something my mom has made every Christmas for who knows how long. A few
years ago my mother was just bogged down and stressed with everything that she
wasn’t going to make it. What?! It’s not Christmas without our Christmas
casserole! So, I decided that I would do it so I prepped and cooked and baked
our Christmas casserole that year and it made it all the more special for me
because it was a labor of love on my end, and a way to show how something as simple
as a casserole can have so much meaning. It’s something that I’ve continued to
do with my husband as we’ve been married and moved away and it’s something I
always look forward to every Christmas. - Clear expectations- Make sure everyone knows when to do it, what to do, and how to do it.
- Minimal conflict- The most successful rituals happen when there is minimal conflict. If you have to fight to get people to attend or be a part of a ritual, you might want to rethink how you do it.
- Protections from erosion- Good rituals must be fought for! Entropy occurs naturally in all family rituals. Protect it by being consistent and maintaining its integrity.
- Openness to change- Every ritual has its season for planting, cultivating, pruning, and harvesting. Families continually change. Be open to that change but hold onto your most important rituals.
FINAL MESSAGE
Watch This Video-->
Kris: This video is a perfect portrayal of what my parenting journey has been like. I have tried new things and gotten rid of things. I have failed at some things and thought I was successful at others. We are constantly adapting to change as our children have gotten older and have left home. Sometimes I didn't think we would manage, but I kept trying. Sometimes I thought I had it all figured out and then another challenge would present itself and I would have to figure out new ways to parent. I think it is important for parents to know that parenting is a life-long process. I have told my children many times that I'm not only raising children, but they are raising a parent. We are going to make mistakes, but we can't beat ourselves up for it. All we can do is try to do better. We earnestly hope that the principles and practices we have taught help you feel better equipped to handle the challenges. We also hope that you have created solid goals to establish healthy connections with your children because that connection will be very important throughout their life.
TO-DO: When we learn something, we tend to focus on the things that are pertinent to what is currently going on in our lives. I highly suggest that you frequently reflect back on what you learned in these lessons because different things might stand out as you face new situations. Having couple/family councils regularly will help you stay on track with your goals and help you see where you might need to adapt your current practices. Include your children in creating and working on your family goals.
Another thing I see is that parents slip back into old habits when they start seeing the outcomes they want. It will take effort to catch yourselves and refocus your efforts.
If there is something that stood out to you in these lessons, we suggest studying the recommended books for each lesson. You can also do some research on your own. Try to find research-based information.
Please fill out this form and submit it to help you evaluate what you have learned and to help us know how to improve the course.
Recommended book:
- Doherty, W. J. (1999). The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties (1st ed.). William Morrow Paperbacks.
References:
Bahr, L. S. C. K. A. (2022, May 23). Family Work and Housework: The Chores That Bind Us. Y Magazine. https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/
Doherty, W. J. (1999). The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties (1st ed.). William Morrow Paperbacks.
Comments
Post a Comment