Lesson 3: Dealing with Misbehavior: Physical Punishment and Psychological Control
This is a 5-week course where each lesson builds on the previous lesson.
Please start with Lesson 1: Parenting 101
Objectives for Lesson 3:
- Learn what corporal punishment and psychological control is
- Identify what forms you might use or have used and decrease their use
- Understand why using physical and psychological control is detrimental to the child and to the parent-child relationship
- Be able to explain what Attachment Theory is and why it matters
Materials:
- Journal/notebook
- Videos and material
Introduction
Kris: One of the things I struggled with the most as a new parent was knowing how to effectively discipline a child. Unfortunately, I turned to some of the ways that I had been disciplined as a child. Some of those things didn't feel right to me, but I honestly didn't know where to go to learn about other methods. I distinctly remember my daughter, around six years old at the time, yelling at me, "STOP CRITICIZING ME!" It was a massive slap in the face. I thought that being a good parent meant pointing out things my children were doing wrong because, in my mind, they just weren't aware and if they knew what they were doing wrong, they could fix it. Right? I was also curious where my daughter had learned the word "criticizing" at such a young age?? Needless to say, I began searching for a better way to deal with my children's behavior. Corporal/Physical Punishment
This is an unpleasant and controversial topic. However, it needs to be addressed. Corporal or Physical punishment is any act that causes physical pain or discomfort to a child in response to a child's behavior. It includes hitting, slapping, and spanking as well as hitting a child with other objects.
Research shows that this form of discipline is not effective at teaching children. It may extract compliance in the moment, but there are dire consequences to this form of dealing with behavior.
Negative Effects (Laible et. al, 2020):
- The quality of parent-child interactions and relationships decreases over time
- Children don't understand why they are being hit and can interpret the action as rejection by the parents instead of associating it with their behavior
- If a child feels rejected by a parent, they are less likely to be open to the moral messages the parent is trying to teach
Negative Effects (Avezum et. al, 2022):
- Impacts the child's brain development
- Elevates the risk of physical abuse if parents cannot control their temper
- Higher risk of externalized behavior such as drug use, bullying, and other anti-social behaviors.
- Higher risk of internalized behavior such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem
Psychological Control
Watch this video-->
- “Psychological control refers to parental behaviors that are intrusive and manipulative of children’s thoughts, feelings, and attachment to parents.” (Barber & Harmon, 2002, p. 15).
- “The central elements of psychological control are intrusion into the child’s psychological world and self-definition and parental attempts to manipulate the child’s thoughts and feelings through invoking guilt, shame, and anxiety. Psychological control is distinguished from behavioral control in that the parent attempts to control, through the use of criticism, dominance, and anxiety or guilt induction, the youth’s thoughts and feelings rather than the youth’s behavior.” (Stone, Buehler, and Barber, p. 57)
Parents may agree that using physical punishment is not good for a child, but psychological control is sometimes harder to recognize.
Signs that a parent is controlling (parenting for brain.com)
- Demand blind obedience and conformity
- Do not allow children to participate in or question the parents’ decisions
- Do not let their child make their own decisions
- Do not encourage choice or independence
- Dictate every aspect of the child’s life
- “Help” the child without being asked
- Use reasons such as “because I said so” to discipline
- Believe children should be seen, but not heard
- Manipulate and exploit the parent-child bond, through such as guilt induction or love withdrawal
- Discipline through punishment and coercion
- Use negative, affect-laden expressions and criticisms, such as disappointment and shame
- Criticize any choices their child make
- Unrealistically high standards and expectations
- Many rigid rules
- Arbitrarily add rules for more control
- Lack of empathy for their child
- Refuse to see things from the child's perspective
- Believe they are always right
- Always tell you what to do
- Do not respect the child's privacy
Examples:
- Guilt/shame: A child sees another child eating a cookie in the store and asks if he can have one. The mother says, "He gets a cookie because he uses the potty like a big boy."
- Withdrawal of love: If you do/don't ___, don't come to me for help when things go wrong.
- Criticism: Why don't you ever clean your room? ; You never/always ________; Go change your clothes/get a haircut. You are embarrassing me.
- Rewards/bribes: If you do _____, I'll do_______ OR You'll get _____
These forms of psychological control are damaging to children because they do not encourage children to develop critical thinking skills and to develop their own identities. The parents intrude on the child's wishes, desires, and goals. Parents might use these tactics to get their children to comply with the wishes, desires, and goals that they have for their children. They appear overprotective and even possessive of the child. They have the philosophy that the ends justify the means. They think that their children will thank them in due time because they will see for themselves that what the parents had them do was for their own good. So parents think that they have good intentions because their children will "succeed". However, compliance in the moment does not equate to success. The negative effects are similar to those under Corporal punishment.
Negative effects:
Watch This Video-->
JOURNAL: Write down in your own words how these forms of punishment are damaging to children and their development. Identify if you have used or are using any of these. Set a goal to decrease the use of this practice. Be specific in how you will decrease this practice. Write down people or tools that will help you to achieve your goal. One of the best ways is to talk to someone about it and check in with them so that you feel accountable and can report your progress to someone.
REWARDS/BRIBES
We wanted to spend a little more time on this form of psychological control. Many parents can see how the other forms of psychological control are damaging, but parents tend to disagree with the rewards/bribes aspect. Alfie Kohn and others have done extensive research on the effect rewards have on children. Watch him explain what research has found.
Watch this video clip-->
In this video clip, Oprah did her own experiment by paying children to do something that would normally be considered fun. Watch what happened.
Watch This VideoClip-->
“Punished by Rewards” (2018) and “Unconditional Parenting” (2006):
1. Rewards and Punishments are two sides of the same coin- Punishment says, “Do this or else this will be done to you.” Rewards say, “Do this and you’ll get that."Both are used as a way to manipulate and control behavior.
- In both cases children tend to focus on themselves and what is going to happen to them. They won’t think about how their actions will affect others, and soon they start feeling they are entitled to something if they do what we want.
- What happens when the reward isn't appealing to them anymore? What will their motivation be to do things as they get older and leave home?
- Rewards replace internal reasons for doing something such as for the enjoyment of it, because it will benefit them, or because it is morally right with the reason of getting a reward.
- Children lose interest in doing an activity if they are promised a reward because it sends the message that they must not want to do it of their own volition because someone is bribing them to do it.
- By using rewards to gain compliance, we’re missing something crucial. Why is the child behaving the way they are? Is there a need that’s not being met? What is going on with the child emotionally that is contributing to their behavior? How can I help my child understand the emotion and deal with it in a productive way?
- We also miss an opportunity to have a discussion where we can explain how their behavior is affecting others or is harmful to themselves which allows them to internalize the deeper reasons why they should behave in certain ways.
- Children learn that rules are arbitrary and are based on how the adult is feeling in the situation instead of seeing the real value of rules. They learn the real value of rules when they can experience the natural consequences of their choices. Rewards can hide the natural consequences. For example, if a child does their schoolwork the natural consequence is learning the material and getting good grades or feeling a sense of accomplishment. Another natural consequence is getting into a good college. If we pay children for getting good grades, the natural consequences might not be as obvious or appreciated.
- By rewarding children for their behavior, they feel that we are evaluating and passing judgment on them. We remove ourselves from being an ally who supports them into someone who can decide if good things or bad things happen to them.
- Instead of focusing on learning, a child focuses on what we think of them and their performance. It may cause fear of failing and not living up to our expectations. It also damages the perception of unconditional love and acceptance which is vital in a parent-child relationship.
PRAISE
Now, this is the hardest pill to swallow. (Kris: I struggled with this one until I studied the research and pondered it.) Many parents have been taught that if we praise children we will increase their confidence and self-esteem. However, studies have shown that there are some children who resisted trying harder things because they had been told over and over that they were smart. When they failed at challenges it made them feel that they were not smart and that label had become important to their identity.
Carol Dweck, the author of "Mindset" (2022), discovered that the difference between children who were excited to try challenges and those who weren't was the mindset that children have. A fixed mindset is when a child sees ability as innate and unchangeable. A growth mindset is when a child sees ability as something that can be developed through practice. The type of praise we give our children can affect their mindset and how they see themselves. The good news is, mindset can be changed! Carol Dweck shares powerful insights about helping children develop a GROWTH mindset which encourages children to see themselves on a growth curve instead of focusing on their innate abilities.
Watch This Video-->
Kris: I taught all of my children how to play the piano. I noticed that some of my children had innate talent and picked it up quickly. I had one son that was tone-deaf and struggled to hear the tune. I had a fixed mindset. I thought that he would eventually quit and would never really enjoy music. Fortunately, I KEPT MY THOUGHTS TO MYSELF! He surprised me!!! He is the one who stayed with it the most and eventually learned how to hear the music. He challenged himself with harder music and even began writing his own piano songs. He sings in choirs and even sings solo parts. This experience opened my mind to the fact that even if someone doesn't have a natural ability, it can be learned with hard work! I was so grateful for this experience because I have one son who wants to quit every time something gets hard. After learning about mindset, I have had the opportunity to practice telling him that he can accomplish his goals if he is willing to work at them. He recently started the swim team and experienced a "failure". He didn't make the time he needed to attend a special swim meet. However, he increased his efforts and started attending swim practice every day. He worked even harder! I was impressed because normally he would give up. We were having a family council when I received a text from his swim coach. She told me that the coaches had noticed how hard my son was working and invited him to attend the swim meet with the other boys. They said that he would match them soon because of how hard he was working. As a mom, I was so grateful for this chance to help him see that hard work does pay off so that he can develop a growth mindset.
JOURNAL: Think of a time you were offered a reward for doing something. Did it motivate you? Did it change how you viewed the task? Think about the things you do that don't bring external rewards. Why do you do them? Which mindset do you have? Think of ways you can encourage your children to have a growth mindset. What were your initial thoughts about using rewards, bribes, and praise before seeing the videos and reading the material? What are your thoughts now?
Parent-Child Attachment
One of the things that was mentioned a few times in the material above is that these forms of punishment and control damage the parent-child relationship. Everything we have talked about so far has laid a foundation for the parenting style and principles that will build a strong relationship with your child. This lesson focused on practices that will damage that relationship. The quality of the parent-child relationship plays a very important role throughout the child's life even into adulthood. It is also known as "attachment."
This video summarizes the different forms of attachment and how it affects the child's future relationships and development.
Watch This Video-->
JOURNAL: What did you learn about how attachment affects a child's development? What have you learned about building a strong attachment to or relationship with your child? What are some areas you want to work on?
MESSAGE of HOPE
from Kris
This was a heavy lesson. When I learned about all of these things, I saw my own inadequacies. It can be difficult to take a good look at yourself and see where your weaknesses are. Our goal is not to make you feel inadequate or incapable. We want you to be informed so that you can set goals and make positive changes that will have a great impact on your family. The truth is, even if a parent does all of the positive principles and practices we have discussed, that does not guarantee that your child will turn out perfectly. There will still be challenges. The video on attachment shows that it is our secure attachment or relationship that provides a safe place for our children to go when they experience hard things, even if it is because of the choices they have made. As my children have left home, I began to realize that maintaining that healthy, loving, and secure relationship is the only thing that matters. I want them to come home and visit. I want them to feel like they can share with me what is going on in their lives.
I also wanted to share that even if you have used corporal punishment and psychological control, there is hope! I used these practices at some point in my parenting journey. Once I learned that they were not going to help me reach my parenting goals, I was able to change my relationship with my children. First, I acknowledged that I had made mistakes. I asked my children to forgive me. I started using positive parenting principles and practices and my efforts have paid off. I have amazing relationships with my children. I also realize that I can always improve so I continue to learn, evaluate my goals and relationships, and make the changes I need to according to my family's needs and circumstances. I hope that you feel encouraged to do the same.
TO-DO THIS WEEK: Do some soul-searching this week and create one goal based on what you learned in this lesson that you want to work on. Think of a relationship with a child that you want to improve. What might you need to change to improve that relationship? Write all this in your journal and report back in a week to write down how it went and the insights you gained.
The next lesson is going to focus on how we can discipline and manage misbehavior using positive parenting principles as a guide so that we can maintain a secure attachment and healthy relationship.
Optional:
Recommended books:
Dweck, C. S. (2022). Mindset : The new psychology of success. Ballantine Books.
Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by Rewards (25th Anniversary Edition). New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Trade & Reference Publishers.
References:
Avezum, M. D. M. de M., Altafim, E. R. P., & Linhares, M. B. M. (2022). Spanking and corporal punishment parenting practices and child development: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 1. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380221124243
Barber, B. K., & Harmon, E. L. (2002). Violating the self: Parenting psychological control of children and adolescents. In B. K. Barber (Ed.), Intrusive parenting (pp. 15-52). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
Dweck, C. S. (2022). Mindset : The new psychology of success. Ballantine Books.
Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by Rewards (25th Anniversary Edition). New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Trade & Reference Publishers.
Kohn, A. (2006). Unconditional parenting: moving from rewards and punishment to love and reason. New York, NY: Atria.
Laible, D., Davis, A., Karahuta, E., & Van Norden, C. (2020). Does corporal punishment erode the quality of the mother–child interaction in early childhood? Social Development, 29(3), 674–688. https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12427
Stone, G., Buehler, C., & Barber, B. K.. (2002) Interparental conflict, parental psychological control, and youth problem behaviors. In B. K. Barber (Ed.), Intrusive parenting: How psychological control affects children and adolescents. Washington, DC.: American Psychological Association.
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