Lesson 4: Dealing with Misbehavior: Managing and Correcting Behavior
This is a 5-week course where each lesson builds on the previous lesson.
Please start with Lesson 1: Parenting 101
Objectives for Lesson 4:
- Learn about the Influence Pyramid and be able to talk about why it's important
- Be able to make connections to everything you have learned so far and how it relates to managing a child's behavior
- Create a list of valuable tools that you can use when a child misbehaves
- Be able to use the tools to respond to scenarios
Materials:
- Journal
- Videos
- Printout
- Matching Game
Watch this Video--> (Kris: This video brought back some fun memories! Hahaha)
The Influence Pyramid
JOURNAL: Imagine that someone you hardly know comes up to you and tells you that you need to change something about your behavior? Would you be open to their correction? Why or Why not? What if it was a close friend who you admired and respected?
The influence pyramid is in the book "The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict" and provides us with an excellent visual. Most parents want to jump to the top of the pyramid and correct their child's behavior. Parents tend to focus on what is going wrong and want to fix it. They also tend to think that if a child is acting out, the problem must solely lie with the child. However, if a child is acting out, we need to stop and think about what other factors might be contributing to it. We can ask these questions:
- Are there things that I might be doing that are affecting my child?
- What can I do to help things go right instead of focusing on what is going wrong?
- Maintaining a heart at peace (Way of Being): This means that we must first be at peace ourselves. What views do we need to change to help us see our children clearly? What attitudes do we need to adopt that will help us to respond in constructive ways? Am I acting from a place of peace or a place of war? In other words, am I acting in a way that attacks my child or in a way that shows I want to work with them? In order to maintain a heart at peace, the parent might need to stop and take a moment so that they aren't acting out of a place of anger. Take a time-out and clear your head so you can think about the situation objectively. We suggest finding some things you can do to help you calm down.
- Listen to music
- Go for a walk
- Call a friend
- Build relationships with those who have an influence on your child: This means that we need to make sure that our relationship with our spouse or with the other parent/parents is on good terms so that we are on the same page. It also means getting to know your children's friends because, at certain ages, those friendships play a big role in their lives and can have a big influence on children.
- Grow the Relationship: Children (and even adults) are more open to correction if they know that the person who is correcting them loves them. This step helps us evaluate the quality of our relationship with our child. We spent the last few lessons focused on this step and how we can build a healthy relationship.
Kris: I want to pause here for a second to share something very valuable that I learned. I had been trying really hard to practice all of the tools I had learned with my children and thought I was doing a good job. Then one day, I had an issue with one of my children acting pretty hostile toward me. I was at a loss as to why she was acting that way. I finally worked up the courage to ask and she recounted a story of something that had happened a number of years ago. I sat and listened to her, however, I remembered the situation completely differently than she did. I told her what I remembered. She told me she didn't remember any of that. It then hit me that my perception is not the only thing that matters. I need to be aware of how my children perceive our relationship. This is where parent-child councils can be used. As a parent, I can ask if there is anything I am doing that my child doesn't appreciate. I can also ask if there is something I can do to be more supportive. I can ask them how they feel about our relationship. This leads us to the next step.
- Listen and Learn: This step means that before we can teach and correct, we need to listen to what the child is telling us and try to understand their perspective. If we do not understand the deeper issues, our correction will not address the root of the problem. Also, children need to feel heard and that their opinion matters. They will be more open to our teaching if they feel that we truly understand them.
- Teach and Communicate: Before we can correct, we need to make sure that we have taught correct principles and have had discussions about our values and beliefs. If we haven't taught them, how can a child know what is expected?
- Correct: Once we have laid the foundation, we will be in a place that allows us to positively influence our children and our correction will have more impact.
The pyramid model helps us see that if a child is acting out, we need to immediately stop and focus on the bottom three layers simultaneously. What is my way of being, what is going on with my spouse or partner that might be contributing to the behavior, and how is my relationship with my child? That will open us up to listening to what the child is trying to communicate.
This approach goes against our natural instincts to put the blame on the child and immediately correct them. It will take practice.
Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting Practices
Alfie Kohn summarized the 10 Do's of unconditional parenting that can be found in his book and on his blog. Blog link
1. Reconsider your requests.
Sometimes when kids don’t do what we tell them, the problem isn’t with the kids but with what we’re telling them to do. Make sure your requests align with the child's capabilities. Also, how we phrase things can make a difference.
Sometimes when kids don’t do what we tell them, the problem isn’t with the kids but with what we’re telling them to do. Make sure your requests align with the child's capabilities. Also, how we phrase things can make a difference.
For example:
- Do your chores on time or you will be grounded
- I'll be happy to let you go with your friends when your chores are finished.
JOURNAL: What did you notice about how each one is phrased? Which one is more enforceable? Which one puts you at odds with your child?
2. Put the relationship first.
What matters more than any of the day-to-day details is the connection that we have – or don’t have – with our children over the long haul – whether they trust us and know that we trust them.
3. Imagine how things look from your child’s perspective.
Parents who regularly switch to the child’s point of view are better informed, gentler, and likely to set an example of perspective-taking for their children (which is a cornerstone of moral development).
Kris: I remember vividly the day I learned this valuable lesson. My youngest boy was heading off to kindergarten one morning. Before he got on the bus, he ran up to me and with the biggest grin on his face said, "Mom, I swept the kitchen floor for you!" He gave me a big hug and then ran to catch the bus. I went inside the house and looked at the kitchen floor and there was food still all over the floor. I chuckled to myself and began to sweep the floor. All of a sudden, I had the thought come to me, "Your children don't see things the way you do." I remembered times when my children had done a chore and it had to be redone because it wasn't up to MY standards. We even had a phrase for it. "Mommy Clean". My children would do a chore and I would ask, "Is it mommy clean?" In my mind, I thought my children were being lazy or were rushing through the job because they didn't care. I then realized that perhaps their version of clean was different than mine. This change in perspective allowed me to extend more grace to my children. Instead of getting frustrated, I would kindly show them what they had missed OR I wouldn't say anything at all and just allow them to grow in their development believing that they would get it over time. This change in perspective also extended to other things my children did that weren't up to MY standards. Now I gently guide them and teach them while allowing them room to grow and learn in their own time and through their own experiences.
4. Be authentic.
Your child needs a human being – flawed, caring, and vulnerable – more than he or she needs someone pretending to be a crisply competent Perfect Parent. Apologize to your children. Let them see that you have weaknesses and things that you struggle with.
5. Talk less, ask more.
Telling is better than yelling, and explaining is better than just telling, but sometimes eliciting (the child’s feelings, ideas, and preferences) is even better than explaining. Instead of telling children how you feel about what they have done, ask them how THEY feel about what they have done.
6. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.”
Nel Noddings reminds us that kids will live up to, or down to, our expectations, so it’s better to assume the best when we don’t know for sure why they did what they did.
Kris: I remember vividly the day I learned this valuable lesson. My youngest boy was heading off to kindergarten one morning. Before he got on the bus, he ran up to me and with the biggest grin on his face said, "Mom, I swept the kitchen floor for you!" He gave me a big hug and then ran to catch the bus. I went inside the house and looked at the kitchen floor and there was food still all over the floor. I chuckled to myself and began to sweep the floor. All of a sudden, I had the thought come to me, "Your children don't see things the way you do." I remembered times when my children had done a chore and it had to be redone because it wasn't up to MY standards. We even had a phrase for it. "Mommy Clean". My children would do a chore and I would ask, "Is it mommy clean?" In my mind, I thought my children were being lazy or were rushing through the job because they didn't care. I then realized that perhaps their version of clean was different than mine. This change in perspective allowed me to extend more grace to my children. Instead of getting frustrated, I would kindly show them what they had missed OR I wouldn't say anything at all and just allow them to grow in their development believing that they would get it over time. This change in perspective also extended to other things my children did that weren't up to MY standards. Now I gently guide them and teach them while allowing them room to grow and learn in their own time and through their own experiences. 4. Be authentic.
Your child needs a human being – flawed, caring, and vulnerable – more than he or she needs someone pretending to be a crisply competent Perfect Parent. Apologize to your children. Let them see that you have weaknesses and things that you struggle with.
5. Talk less, ask more.
Telling is better than yelling, and explaining is better than just telling, but sometimes eliciting (the child’s feelings, ideas, and preferences) is even better than explaining. Instead of telling children how you feel about what they have done, ask them how THEY feel about what they have done.
6. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.”
Nel Noddings reminds us that kids will live up to, or down to, our expectations, so it’s better to assume the best when we don’t know for sure why they did what they did.
Kris: I walk in on my children ages 2 and 4 in the kitchen and there is flour, rice, orange drink mix, mustard, and peanut butter all over the floor and counter. I immediately think my children are up to no good and need to be punished. I angrily send them to their room and begin cleaning up the mess. Later, I discover that they were trying to help me make lunch. 
My teenager is late getting home and he knows the curfew is 11 PM. I immediately ground him. Later, I find out that one of his friends was having suicidal thoughts and he felt he needed to stay there to talk with him. He didn't want to call or text because he didn't want his friend to think he was distracted or telling someone.
7. Try to say yes.
Don’t function on auto-parent and unnecessarily deny children the chance to do unusual things. People don’t get better at coping with frustration as a result of having been deliberately frustrated when they were young. Children will also learn to respect the answer "no" because they will learn that it is only used when there is a good reason.
8. Don’t be rigid.
Predictability can be overdone; the apparent need for inflexible rules may vanish when we stop seeing a troubling behavior as an infraction that must be punished — and start seeing it as a problem to be solved (together).
9. Give kids more say about their lives.
Children learn to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions. Our default response should be to let them choose – unless there’s a compelling reason to deny them that opportunity.
10. Love them unconditionally.
Kids should know that we care for them just because of who they are, not because of what they do. Punishments (including time-outs) and rewards (including praise) may communicate that they have to earn our love – which is exactly the opposite of what children need, psychologically speaking.
Don’t function on auto-parent and unnecessarily deny children the chance to do unusual things. People don’t get better at coping with frustration as a result of having been deliberately frustrated when they were young. Children will also learn to respect the answer "no" because they will learn that it is only used when there is a good reason.
8. Don’t be rigid.
Predictability can be overdone; the apparent need for inflexible rules may vanish when we stop seeing a troubling behavior as an infraction that must be punished — and start seeing it as a problem to be solved (together).
9. Give kids more say about their lives.
Children learn to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions. Our default response should be to let them choose – unless there’s a compelling reason to deny them that opportunity.
10. Love them unconditionally.
Kids should know that we care for them just because of who they are, not because of what they do. Punishments (including time-outs) and rewards (including praise) may communicate that they have to earn our love – which is exactly the opposite of what children need, psychologically speaking.
All of the things we have learned have shown us that the #1 thing a parent must do when dealing with a child's misbehavior is they must FIRST manage their own behavior.
Affirmation: I cannot control my children and force them to do what I want. I can control myself and be the type of parent that helps things go right.
The Unconditional Parenting Principles fall under the categories found in the Influence Pyramid. We created a matching quiz to help you think about how they fit together so that you can get some ideas of things you can do when working on the levels of the Influence Pyramid.
Take the Quiz--> QUIZ
JOURNAL: Write down your thoughts about the Influence Pyramid and the 10 Do's of Unconditional Parenting. What stuck out to you? What thoughts have you had about how you can use these principles to guide you? Did you think of examples from your own life of when you saw these principles used or when they could have been used? Write those experiences down.
PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC: CORRECTING BEHAVIOR
"Parenting with Love and Logic" (Cline & Fay, 2020) is a series of two books along with an online class you can take if you are interested. This site also has many other resources that you might find helpful in answering more specific questions.
Click here if you want to know more--.>Love and Logic website
We wanted to focus on the two rules of parenting with love and logic that can help you give correction that conveys love and that helps support the child's autonomy. This will help the child to take responsibility for their own behavior.
1. Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, and using threats.
- Example: A toddler is acting inappropriately. You calmly state that it looks like the child needs to spend some time in their room in order to think about how they need to act. You give them a choice that you can actually follow through with. The child can either walk to the room or you can carry them. You give them another choice. The child can be in the room with the door open or shut.
- Example: When a child doesn't complete a chore, you show empathy by saying, "That is sad. It doesn't work out well when I don't do my chores." Then you can say, "I'm going to have to do something about that. Let me think about it and we'll talk about it later. " It is okay to take time to respond to a child's behavior. Then when the consequences come, the child will feel that you took time to find the right response. Perhaps the right response will present itself or the child will find a solution to the problem on their own. You can also point out the natural consequences of their action based on the rules you decided upon as a family.
JOURNAL: Create a list of things you can do when a child misbehaves or doesn't follow through on their responsibilities using all of the principles that have been taught.
SCENARIOS: Time to put all of your skills to use!
JOURNAL: Using the skills you have learned takes practice. The following scenarios will help you practice using the list of skills and principles you have compiled over the last four lessons. There is not one specific way to respond to these scenarios. We just want you to think about how you could respond or what you might need to consider so you can see how the tools will be helpful when you are faced with parenting challenges at various stages. It helps to talk with someone else so you can bounce ideas off of each other. Click on the videos below.
- Young Children: A Christmas Story
- Teenager: Malcolm in the Middle
- Young Adult: Modern Family
- Adult: Breaking Bad
Watch This Video-->
We discuss some of the tools we can use for this scenario.
Watch Our Discussion-->
TO-DO THIS WEEK: Continue practicing these skills. Stay focused on the goal that you created and work to strengthen that relationship. It might take time because behavior patterns are hard to change in yourself and in your child. Keep at it!
We've been learning about parenting principles, but the LAST LESSON will focus on research-based parenting practices to create strong, loving connections with your children.
Recommended Books:
- Cline, F., & Fay, J. (2020). Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (Enlarged). NavPress.
- Fay, J., & Cline, F. (2020). Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood (Enlarged). NavPress.
- Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, W. H. (2003). Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication (Revised, Updated). Harmony.
References:
Cline, F., & Fay, J. (2020). Parenting with love and logic: Teaching children responsibility (Enlarged). NavPress.
Fay, J., & Cline, F. (2020). Parenting teens with love and logic: Preparing adolescents for responsible adulthood (Enlarged). NavPress.
Kohn, A. (2006). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishment to love and reason. New York, NY: Atria.
The Arbinger Institute. (2022). The anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict (Expanded 4th edition). Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
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