Lesson 2: Autonomy Support: What, Why and How
This is a 5-week course where each lesson builds on the previous lesson.
Please start with Lesson 1: Parenting 101
Watch this video-->
Objectives for Lesson 2:
- Learn what autonomy support means
- Be able to write down why autonomy support is important
- Identify obstacles that might prevent you from supporting autonomy
- Think of ways you can support autonomy at different stages of your child's development
Materials:
- Journal to take notes; write questions, thoughts, goals, and answers to the journal prompts.
- Watch videos
Imagine an infant and a mother playing peek-a-boo. At some point, the baby is overstimulated and decides to stop playing by looking away. However, the mother doesn't accept this and puts her face near the baby's and clicks her tongue trying to get the baby's attention again. The child doesn't want to engage and turns his head to the other side to get away from his mom. The mother still doesn't pick up on the baby's cue and gets even closer to the baby's face and tries to get his attention. The baby grimaces and tries to turn his head away again (Kohn, 2005, pg. 227).
What is Autonomy?
Autonomy is defined as the sense of being able to choose and having the ability to determine one's course in life. This is an eternal principle that many people feel is important. It is also known as agency and self-determination. Studies show that having a sense of autonomy is crucial to help children develop.
Current studies are revealing that the best parenting practices will support autonomy in every stage of development. It is such a crucial skill that we knew we needed to cover it first as it will come into play when teaching other parenting skills and practices.
JOURNAL: Read the opening story again and write down how the child's autonomy was not being supported. If this type of interaction continues, what do you think some of the consequences will be as the child gets older? What will the child learn? How could the child respond and behave in the future? How could it impact his development as he becomes an adult?
Why Should I Support Autonomy?
Watch this video-->
The benefits of supporting autonomy are:
- Increases intrinsic motivation: Intrinsic motivation is the desire to do something because the person sees the natural benefits or consequences of doing it and/or enjoys it. Extrinsic motivation is doing something because of an external motivator such as a reward or threat of punishment. If children don't understand why they are asked to do something, it affects their desire to do something. Supporting autonomy can have an effect on their motivation (Gillet et. al, 2012). Most parents want children to develop intrinsic motivation, especially when it comes to doing chores and schoolwork. It can be frustrating to have to constantly remind children to do things. In reality, not every child will see the benefits or find joy in doing schoolwork or chores, however, autonomy-supportive parenting can help children see the logic or rationale behind doing those things so they can develop an internal drive (Reeve et. al, 2002).
- Develop better executive functions: "Component cognitive abilities that constitute what collectively is known as executive function include the following: inhibition, that is, the ability to ignore distraction and stay focused, and to resist making one response and instead make another; working memory, that is, the ability to hold information in mind and manipulate it; cognitive flexibility, that is, the ability to switch perspectives flexibly, focus of attention, or response mappings. These abilities are crucial to all forms of cognitive performance. The ability to inhibit attention to distractors makes possible selective and sustained attention" (Diamond, 2006). Executive functions lay the foundation for academic learning and future success. Research shows that autonomy support helps children develop executive function because children learn how to make decisions and solve problems in their own way. They also tend to have sustained attention when they are doing something they chose to do (Bindman et. al, 2015).
- Academic achievement: Increasing intrinsic motivation and developing executive function contributes to academic success (Joussemet et. al, 2005).
- Increases self-confidence: Children who learn they can handle tasks on their own develop higher self-confidence which also increases their intrinsic motivation (Guay et. al, 2001).
- Develop stronger emotional self-regulation: Parents can support the development of emotional self-regulation by modeling it for their children and by using emotion-coaching. In this autonomy-supporting role, parents "are aware of the child’s emotions, empathize with negative emotions, help the child verbally label emotions, and communicate about family values" (Brenning et. al, 2015).
- Develop resilience: Resilience is the ability to adapt positively to challenging circumstances. Children develop resilience by taking risks even in play. Studies show that age-appropriate risk-taking contributes to children learning how to deal with "scary emotions" and recognize where their limits are. They can also practice making decisions and test out their skills (Niehues et. al, 2015). Autonomy support helps in this process as parents let children take calculated risks and make decisions.
- Develop better socio-emotional regulation/Prosocial behavior: Children who display more prosocial behavior are those that have learned to internalize values and develop intrinsic motivation. Internalization happens when parents support autonomy and let children choose instead of being controlled. Internalization and intrinsic motivation are also important for a child to develop healthy social and emotional functioning. The more controlling a parent is, the more likely a child will develop social and emotional difficulties which can lead to anti-social behaviors (Gagne, 2003; Matte-Gagne et. al, 2015).
- Better mental health and life satisfaction: Children who feel they are in control of where they are heading and have some control over their environment tend to have higher life satisfaction. They also are less likely to experience psychological challenges such as anxiety and depression (Diseth et. al, 2014; Inguglia et. al, 2016). Autonomy support has even been shown to be important in later life as people grow older and lose some of their ability to go where they want and make decisions (Kim et. al, 2022). This just demonstrates that autonomy is an important principle in every stage of life.
WHAT HOLDS US BACK:
In theory, it sounds great to let children choose so they can gain all of these wonderful benefits that most parents say they want. So what holds us back? Here is a brief list of some things. (I have dealt with many of these myself) See if you can identify with any of these.
- Fear of losing power
- Fear of what others might think
- Fear of being too permissive and being inadequate as a parent
- Fear of spoiling the child
- Fear for the child's safety
- Parenting beliefs we've developed from our culture or own childhood experiences, habits that we've formed that are hard to break.
JOURNAL: Be honest with yourself. Write down some reasons why it is difficult for you to support autonomy/agency when it comes to children. What did you learn when reading about the benefits of supporting autonomy? Why is it important?
How Can I Support Autonomy?
Kris: One thing I had to learn was to say YES more to the things that did not really matter. I learned to ask myself, "Is this a hill I want to die on?" This taught my children that when I did say NO, there was usually a good reason for it.I also had other children that refused to wear the new school clothes I had bought them, insisting that their old, worn out, and sometimes holey shirts and pants were more comfortable. Again, not a hill I was willing to die on. I didn't realize how big a problem this was until we started being called every year at Christmas time by the school because they wanted us to be their Secret Santa family that year and asked us what we needed! My children looked homeless and people were noticing. However, I still didn't fight that battle with them. We received that phone call every year for 8 years and I had to politely tell them that there were other families that were more deserving.
The THREE E's of Autonomy Support by Dr. Justin Coulson:
Some people feel that this way of parenting is just allowing children to do whatever they want and letting them make the rules. However, if used correctly, parents work with children but they set the boundaries based on the values they hold and where the child is in their development. As children get older, they are able to discuss their feelings and use more reasoning skills. There are more principles related to supporting autonomy (found in authoritative parenting principles) but Dr. Coulson condensed them into three easy-to-remember principles.
- Explain: Take the time to explain the "why" behind what you have asked them to do. This also means communicating boundaries, expectations, and values. As children get older you can include them in the process of setting boundaries or rethinking some limits.
- Explore: Find out what is going on in the child's mind and in their life that might be contributing to their behavior. Ask questions and seek to understand their perspective. Young children do not understand what good and bad behavior are. We label their behavior based on our feelings and perspective. The Gottman Institute stated: "A child's positive or negative behavior is simply a form of communication."
- Empower: Help them come up with solutions that will work within the boundaries you have set. Children are more likely to follow rules and act on their goals if they have a part in coming up with them. They can take ownership of their successes and also their mistakes. This will help prevent a victim or an entitlement mentality.
COMPARE and CONTRAST these examples:
- Little Mermaid
- Watch This--> Footloose
Scenarios:
- Young children: There is a dry creek nearby your house. It has been raining for the past few weeks and your children want to get their swimming suits on and go play in the mud. You worry about the bull snakes in the field which can bite but aren't poisonous. You also know there will be a huge mess to clean up when they are done. You hear the children talking excitedly as they make plans to make a picnic and take it with them.
- Adolescents: Your son comes to you and says he wants to attend a different high school. The school is further away and doesn't have transportation. You are at home with young children and your husband travels so you know it would be inconvenient and sometimes not even possible to get him there and back.
- Young Adults: Your daughter has a full-ride scholarship to a school that is close to home. She lives with you in order to save money. She is trying to become a nurse, but she doesn't like her CNA work. She comes to you in tears and says that she can't take the CNA work anymore and wants to transfer to a different school that is further away and would cost more money. She also wants to change her major. She is miserable but doesn't feel like she can quit because she sees that as a failure.
- Adults: Your daughter is 22 and dating someone that is showing some dangerous red flags. Her boyfriend doesn't interact with the family and gets jealous if she spends time with you and her siblings. You have overheard him threaten to take her phone away so she can't get on any social media because he suspects she is cheating on him. She announces that they are getting married and is really excited about it.
We discussed one of these scenarios to help give you an idea of ways to use the principles you've learned so far. Watch our discussion:
PARENTING PRACTICE: Family Councils/Parent-Child Councils
The video above mentioned family councils. This is a parenting practice that has been recommended by family experts for many years.
Family councils provide opportunities for "clarifying family responsibilities and expectations. Family councils can be used to set goals, distribute household work, resolve family problems, and celebrate one another's successes. When councils are conducted properly, they allow each person to voice his or her opinions and feelings and be involved in solving problems and making decisions" (Duncan & Goddard, 2016).
Included with the family councils are parent-child councils where parents can meet one-on-one with a child. This allows children to speak about more personal matters. The parents can also work with each child on the individual goals he/she is working towards. Councils are a great way to practice using the three E's and authoritative principles you've learned.
The printable below has great information on the different kinds of councils and suggestions on how often to hold them.
PRINT THIS--> Family Councils Guide
- Schedule a regular time for family councils.
- Don't use family councils to only air grievances or solve problems. Be sure to also plan fun activities or acknowledge someone's accomplishments.
- It is helpful to set an agenda and rotate conducting responsibilities.
- Encourage family members to write down things they want to be discussed on the agenda. You can have a place on the fridge where family members can write down ideas.
- Set ground rules that make it a safe place. (For example: everyone is free to express opinions and feelings without judgment or blaming and no one should interrupt.)
- Limit the council to one hour and be sure to end on a happy note! Share something funny or serve refreshments.
Councils can be done at every stage of the parenting journey. I know some families that hold family councils over zoom with children who have left home. It keeps the lines of communication open and maintains a healthy connection between parents and children if used correctly.
Kris: I learned about family and parent/child councils a few years ago and began using them regularly. I noticed a huge improvement in our home! We no longer argued over what chores needed to be done by whom because we had come up with a chore chart together as a family. We set goals as a family and planned family vacations. We would usually get off topic but we were laughing, talking, and strengthening our family relationships so I didn't care. I also noticed that because of doing parent/child councils our children began to open up to us about what they were struggling with. We had to learn to listen without judgment so that they felt safe to tell us anything, but we were able to catch some potentially serious problems. Holding monthly parent-child councils helped them form a habit of checking in with us. After a while, they would come up to us on their own and tell us what was happening in their day. Even my teenage sons would come in at the end of the day, lie on our bed, and talk to us about their worries and successes. (Often times we get a free gun show as they flex in our mirror because we "have the best lighting" in our bathroom, according to them. Haha) We aren't perfect at it, but we try to be consistent and do it according to our needs. I noticed that even the smallest effort made a big difference. I like that we call this a parenting practice because that is what we are doing; practicing and learning as we go.
TO-DO THIS WEEK:
- Write down a goal you want to work towards that will help you be more supportive of your child's autonomy.
- Hold a family council and make note of what went well and what you want to change to fit your family's needs.
The lessons for the two next weeks are going to dig deeper into misbehavior and how we can use authoritative principles and autonomy support to help us teach and guide children.
OPTIONAL reading:
Recommended Books:
- "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn
- "The Anatomy of Peace" by The Arbinger Institute
References:
Bindman, S. W., Pomerantz, E. M., & Roisman, G. I. (2015). Do children’s executive functions account for associations between early autonomy-supportive parenting and achievement through high school? Journal of Educational Psychology, 107(3), 756–770. https://doi.org/10.1037/edu0000017
Brenning, K., Soenens, B., Van Petegem, S., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2015). Perceived maternal autonomy support and early adolescent emotion regulation: A longitudinal study. Social Development, 24(3), 561–578. https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12107
Diamond, A. (2006). The early development of executive functions. Lifespan CognitionMechanisms of Change, 70–95. https://doi.org/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780195169539.003.0006
Diseth, Å., & Samdal, O. (2014). Autonomy support and achievement goals as predictors of perceived school performance and life satisfaction in the transition between lower and upper secondary school. Social Psychology of Education, 17(2), 269–291. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11218-013-9244-4
Duncan, S. F., & Goddard, W. H. (2016). Family Life Education: Principles and Practices for Effective Outreach (3rd ed.). SAGE Publications, Inc.
Gagné, M. (2003). The Role of autonomy support and autonomy orientation in prosocial behavior engagement. Motivation & Emotion, 27(3), 199–223. https://doi.org/10.1023/a:1025007614869
Gillet, N., Vallerand, R., & Lafrenière, M.-A. (2012). Intrinsic and extrinsic school motivation as a function of age: the mediating role of autonomy support. Social Psychology of Education, 15(1), 77–95. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11218-011-9170-2
Grolnick, W. S., Levitt, M. R., Caruso, A. J., & Lerner, R. E. (2021). Effectiveness of a brief preventive parenting intervention based in self-determination theory. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 30(4), 905–920. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-01908-4
Guay, F., Boggiano, A. K., & Vallerand, R. J. (2001). Autonomy support, intrinsic motivation, and perceived competence: Conceptual and empirical linkages. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(6), 643–650. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201276001
Inguglia, C., Ingoglia, S., Liga, F., Lo Coco, A., Lo Cricchio, M., Musso, P., Cheah, C., Gutow, M., & Lim, H. (2016). Parenting dimensions and internalizing difficulties in Italian and U.S. emerging adults: The intervening role of autonomy and relatedness. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 25(2), 419–431. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-015-0228-1
Joussemet, M., Koestner, R., Lekes, N., & Landry, R. (2005). A longitudinal study of the relationship of maternal autonomy support to children’s adjustment and achievement in school. Journal of Personality, 73(5), 1215–1236. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00347.x
Kim, M., Ramdin, V., Pozzar, R., Fombelle, P., Zhou, X., Zhang, Y., & Jiang, M. (2022). Healthy aging adviser: Designing a service to support the life transitions and autonomy of older adults. Design Journal, 25(2), 143–164. https://doi.org/10.1080/14606925.2021.2021662
Kohn, A. (2006, March 28). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. Atria Books.
Matte-Gagné, C. ( 1 ), Harvey, B. ( 2 ), Stack, D. M. ( 2 ), & Serbin, L. A. ( 2 ). (2015). Contextual specificity in the relationship between maternal autonomy support and children’s socio-emotional development: A longitudinal study from preschool to preadolescence. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 44(8), 1528-1541–1541. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-014-0247-z
Niehues, A., Bundy, A., Broom, A., & Tranter, P. (2015). Parents’ perceptions of risk and the influence on children’s everyday activities. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(3), 809–820. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-013-9891-2
Reeve, J., Jang, H., Hardre, P., & Omura, M. (2002). Providing a rationale in an autonomy-supportive way as a strategy to motivate others during an uninteresting activity. Motivation & Emotion, 26(3), 183–207. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1021711629417
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